For most children (leaving out those who grew up without one), their most influential teachers aren’t the ones they saw and listened to in school. They are the ones who the children watch and emulate at home – their parents. The thoughts, belief systems and convictions of parents are more often than not reflected in the thoughts, beliefs and actions of their children – irrespective of whether good or bad.
The influence that a mother has on her offspring is often subtler than that of the father though it is no less impactful.
I know there will always be countless people who are and will be in awe of their mothers. And more often than not, that admiration has more to do with the nature of the relationship than anything else. Children love their moms simply because they are their moms! But when it comes to objective qualities, not every mother can be a role-model.
I am one of those lucky ones who can convincingly state that his mother is a role model.
I don’t bestow my mom with that title on the virtue of she being my mother, but because of the values she upheld throughout her life.
My mom is closing in on 70. She is a little woman – a couple of inches under 5 feet in height, hard of hearing on one side and has a little stoop. She’s old school and has never used the internet and probably never will. She oblivious to the existence of internet blogs and that’s why I know she will never read this post (or even know about it probably). Knowing her, she’d probably not appreciate me writing about her – she’s never been somebody craved to be in the spotlight.
Yet, I recently realised how the little things she influenced me throughout life. And that forced me to sit down and write about some of the best lessons I learned from her. Perhaps you can learn from them too! Here are those lessons.
LESSON 1: WE ALL HAVE A MORAL RESPONSIBILITY
It was 1989 and I was 8 years old. Back then, I was laying in the general ward of a government hospital in Kuwait with my body completely immobilised because my leg was in an immovable traction (the first of the two long treatments I underwent for my faulty leg in my childhood).
My mother worked as a nurse then, in a different clinic. She couldn’t take time off to stay with me the entire day on her working days and so what she’d do instead was to finish her long shifts and then came to sit at my bedside. My father’s visits were less frequent (he had to come from afar) and I was alone most of the day.
My mom, as soon as she finished her shift at the clinic would then come directly to the hospital (without changing her working clothes) and be with me for a few hours, in the late evening, before she left.
There were often other patients in the same ward, who needed the attention of a nurse (hard to get on time, during late evenings or at night) and when they spotted my mother, they would call her or wave to her to attend to them.
She would uncomplainingly rush and attend to them leaving my bedside– despite having no obligation to do so (she didn’t even work for that hospital, was often tired after her 9-10 hour shift, and she could have simply waited till the hospital nurses arrived).
There was an Arab boy who lay two beds away who my mother attended to many times and I am certain that he may have wondered why the Indian nurse spent so much time with the Indian boy in the ward without realising she had no more an obligation to attend to him than his mother had to attend to me.
I asked her once why she kept going to them (yes, I remember things from that age still) after she attended one patient, and she replied nonchalantly then “they see the uniform and wouldn’t realise that I don’t work here; but I am a nurse”
I was too young to understand it then but realised later; my mom had a tremendous sense of duty, not just to that uniform but as a responsible human too. She’d go out of her way to help some of our relatives who’d have fallen on hard times despite not being asked and at a time she’d not be living in luxury herself. The only thing she got in return was the gratitude and respect of those people.
That’s something we could all learn from, reaching out to help a fellow being in need without being obliged to after all, isn’t a quality that’s in abundance in any society these days. Make a difference.
LESSON 2: EVEN WITH LIMITED MEANS, YOU CAN STILL SAVE FOR THAT RAINY DAY
20 years ago, most commoners didn’t know about financial planning. Mutual funds were almost unknown and the best people did with excess income was to stash it in a savings account till it was depleted.
Despite the appearances we kept of a well-to-do middle class family, with an NRI breadwinner for a father, we just had enough to get by. And it was my mom who did the bulk of financial toggling with the limited amount of money we had for our expenditure.
My mom came up with a solution for those days when there was nothing to fall back on. She found a lady who used to be part of a small local chit fund (run by some co-operative movement) and contributed a trivial Rs 5 everyday (or sometimes Rs 10). The lady used to come and collect the money from my mother everyday around 4 in the evening. My mom would sometimes put a little money away in another co-operative also. My father himself wasn’t aware of these savings which accrued in time, and came to our aid when we least expected it. My mother practiced diversification of investment without knowing the term itself. She pledged her gold at the cooperative when interest was very low and borrowed money which she often paid back in installments.
My idea of keeping a ‘rainy-day fund’ came from there and I almost never dip into it, unless it is the direst of circumstances. I had it almost from the time I started working – and yes, the few times I was almost bankrupt (following many months of joblessness following my post-graduation a few years ago) that money came to my rescue.
If you read the financial planning guru, Robert Kiyosaki, he too advocates putting aside a small portion of what you earn every month for long term gains. Do it. It might be something that saves your day, someday.
LESSON 3: ACKNOWLEDGE THOSE WHO PLAYED A PART IN YOUR LIFE.
I had started teaching the CCNA course (I was certified while still at undergrad college) at a Training Institution in Kochi less than 2 weeks after my last Engineering examination. My first salary in 2004 was a very modest 3000 Rupees.
When I gave my first salary to my mother, while she was happy with the gesture, without taking anything for herself, she set aside a part of it to give to the church (she’s deeply pious) and then advised me to gift a part of it to my aunt.
From the age of 1.5 months (yes, months) till the age of three and half, I had lived with my paternal grandmother and my then unmarried youngest paternal aunt, who took care of me, before I finally went overseas to live with my parents (that period lasted till the Gulf War of 1990).
My aunt was extremely touched by the gesture, and it was a lesson to me to not forget those who played their parts in my upbringing.
Nobody really makes it completely on their own, there will be some who had directly or indirectly made that road easier – acknowledge their contribution.
LESSON 4: SHOW EMPATHY – TREAT THOSE THE WAY YOU WISH TO BE TREATED
Last week, I saw my elderly arthritic mom take pains to go and make a cup of tea for a beggar. You’d only understand the significance of the latter part of the statement if you understood caste and racial systems in India, and the attitudes of the upper/forward classes towards the lower classes/dalit communities. The vast majority of well-to-do people wouldn’t drink from the glass they serve their domestic help, let alone serve a drink to a beggar.
My mother would never show that discrimination. On top of it, she never turned away a beggar who asked for food or drink. In my school days there even used to be regulars (there was this old beggar with long matted hair and a foot long beard who came every week and asked for 2 Rupees and tea, and another chap who come for food periodically because he knew my mother would always feed him). The hired domestic help who visits our house (she’s been around for more than 20 years) is never treated any differently from any other guest and is welcome to sit at our table any day.
Not long ago, I had written a blog-post about the domestic help who comes to my place once a week and about her fondness for me because of the little things I do for. She’d never know it was another woman who taught me that by setting an example herself.
Unfortunately, the working class in India, in most places are seldom shown humanity and worse still; the treatment they get from their own kin is often despicable. In a society where classism is the norm even today, I do not know what I’d have turned out to be had it not been for the example set by my mother at home.
Treat the less fortunate with respect. We didn’t choose the house, class, community which we were born into, neither did they.
LESSON 5: VALUE THE EFFORT BEHIND THAT MONEY
16 years ago, when I packed my bags to leave for the adjoining state to do my B. E degree, my mom pulled me aside and told me.
“I’m not asking you to not drink or smoke because it is wrong (there was this common notion that students take up both once they start college as a sign of rebellion and independence, more than anything else). You know how much money we have (contrary to popular notion, we barely had enough to get by) and spare a thought for your dad who is working night and day and often overtime (he worked on heavy machines in a steel factory) to afford whatever we have. ”
I promised her I would not squander his money while at college.
I kept that promise for all the time I was in college, despite all the jokes on me behind my back. I didn’t do what I did because of any high moral or religious ground. My thinking was simply based on what my mom told me – respect the source of the money that was being given to me and the person who put his blood and sweat behind it. My abstinence was solely based on the principle my mom instilled in one line.
I had my first full beer after I started working (and even today I drink only at social events, a couple of times in a year, in moderation) and well, I always found the smell of cigarette smoke suffocating– so smoking wasn’t a temptation anyway.
If well-to-do teenagers burn money like they would burn paper today, it is probably because they never realise the effort of the ones who earned them that luxury. If they did they’d value it more. A person values only that which he could never have or that which had to struggle to get.
If you were fortunate to have grown up having access to education, and have lived a life without struggling too much for food or finances, you probably got a headstart on account of a parent’s or a grandparent’s efforts in the past. Respect that.
LESSON 6: NEVER TAKE YOUR FOOD FOR GRANTED.
In the two and half years I have been in a steady relationship; I fought with my girlfriend at least 3 times for wasting food. I think it’s probably one of the most orthodox Indian thoughts – never waste food because you never know who could’ve benefitted from that food you threw away half-eaten.
I’ve thankfully never had to think twice about buying food in many years. But there was a time when my mother could barely get by with the money that she had.
My mom would be bargaining with the fishmonger to get 12 sardines (the cheapest salt-water fish one can buy) instead of 10 sardines for Rs 10. She’d then ration the sardines 2 pieces for each meal and that would be the entire meat we’d have for the week. For many of those years, meat (chicken or beef) was bought only on special occasions or during the time of my father’s annual vacation.
My mom never complained about not having enough money, she’d just do with whatever we had. She improvised and bought the in-season vegetables that didn’t cost too much, she made sure whatever vegetables grew in our fields were put to good use (no wasting even jackfruit seeds) and she used to walk through damp fields during the rainy season searching for fresh mushrooms. She would cook any vegetable she came across and that was probably why she could cook an array of dishes really well. We weren’t ‘poor’ but our limited means meant we had to master frugal living – which was enough to give me an appreciation of the food on my plate.
Seeing food getting wasted still gives me knots in my stomach (and an immense sense of guilt) and that’s probably why I never leave a morsel of food on my plate and usually, I’d be cleaning off my girlfriend’s plate too (after giving her a lecture about wasting food) if it came to that.
I had shared this thought with a friend who didn’t mind leaving food on his plate. His justification was “my stomach isn’t a dustbin” – a fair counter-opinion, though, given a choice, I’d never put anything on my plate, I can’t consume in the first place.
I suppose, I’ll have a really hard time if I were to ever live in the USA (reports show that 30-40% of food is wasted there).
LESSON 7: DO THE RIGHT THING, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH HELL FOR IT.
Many years ago news of my cousin’s relationship with a girl (who was a distant relative too) broke out in the open. My cousin had been living with us and was particularly close with my mom (his paternal aunt).
When my mom came to know of the relationship, while she wasn’t initially gung-ho about it, she eventually decided to lend her support to my cousin and the girl, when my mother realised how devoted they were to each other and the two of them would never live happily were they to be separated. The couple went through hell (for breaking social norm) and my mother was ostracised and verbally abused by her own family for lending them support (her eldest brother, who she adored, and his family didn’t speak with her for years). She felt terrible about how her brother and the rest of her family treated her but did what she had to.
Many years later, that couple, now married, lead a happy life and are doing really well on all fronts– they now have lovely 2 boys too. My mother’s brother made his peace with her before he passed away and the girl’s mother (who cussed and swore and disowned the couple) made her peace too. Not to say, my cousin and his wife adore my mother and still remain ever grateful to her. Looking back, I’m certain my mom doesn’t regret what she had to go through because it was the right thing to do.
This is probably why, when I hear the voice inside that says do the right thing – against my natural instinct, I find it very hard to ignore it.
LESSON 8: GIVE – FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
My mom used to support a number of charities (though I don’t live with her now, I’m pretty sure she still does) but back in my teenage days, there were quite a few ‘Pentecostal Pastors’ (Christian preachers from the Pentecostal community) who’d come and talk with my mother, mutter a prayer, extract some money and be on their way.
I didn’t really appreciate giving away money to their lot (especially since we didn’t even have much anyway those days) and used to point out to my mom those chaps were frauds. “They go to only well-to-do Christian households holding a Bible and then blurt out some nonsense they memorised guised as a prayer and then ‘earn’ their money”.
My mom then used to say, she knew that and still gave them money. The way she thought was different. She took the case of 2 specific preachers and told me about them.
The first one was over 70 years old, he came from a scheduled caste community, had no family and no way to support himself. He was too old and weak to work and would probably starve if it had not been for what he gets from people like my mom. The only thing he knew was to mutter a prayer and that’s what he did for a living. The story of the second preacher was not very different. He too bordered on his 70s, came from an impoverished background, and was a converted Dalit whose children had left him to tend for his own.
My mother told me the little money we gave them wouldn’t make much of a dent in our lives, but for them it was sustenance. She was just tending to their need. I never forgot that lesson.
A few years ago, I was sitting in my rented house in Bangalore when a man from a particular small charitable organisation for disabled children I supported from time to time came and I wrote him a crossed cheque for a few thousands. A friend of mine, who was at home that time, was shocked and asked me what assurance I had that my money wouldn’t be misused. I shrugged told him that I came to trust that person and in the end quoted my mom, “worst case scenario, that amount of money will hardly make a dent to my life. But it could make a difference to theirs.”
My advice to anybody reading this, if what you give away, no matter how little, has a much greater chance of making a difference to somebody that it would with you, you should go ahead.
PS: That doesn’t mean I give to anybody or everybody who I come across. I recently excused myself from a very charming lady who came to my door (she was extremely pushy and wouldn’t take a donation less than 1800 for her organisation– that’s definitely not a sign of real need.)
LESSON 9: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
My mother is a soft spoken woman and her voice is often drowned in the booming voice of my father – somebody who is used to dominating any conversation he is part of.
Nevertheless, it was how she conducted herself throughout the years that stood out and not what she said.
I’ve seen countless people who proudly state they don’t care about wealth and then behave in way that sharply contradicts their statements. My mom, on the other hand, irrespective of how we were doing, just made it a habit to live a very simple lifestyle – her wants were little. She happily wears the same old saris for years.She wears minimal jewellery, her watches (that one of us gifted her) are used till they finally stop working, her choice of sandals is simple and her spectacles are the kind made from inexpensive plastic frames (I tried to get it replaced once, but she declined when she got hem tested them at an optician’s and found that the lenses were fine). Sometimes when I do buy her something as trivial as a handbag (because her old one would have worn out), she’d tells me in confidentiality to buy my father a shirt or a T-shirt as well because he’d feel left out otherwise.
She never talks her charitable actions but has always been an out-and-out giver. The only few times she asked for something from me was when she wanted us to help out a less-fortunate relative who was due for a heart by-pass surgery a few years ago and in dire need of money, or when she wanted one of us children to give some extra money to our domestic help or the relative of ours who comes and helps with domestic chores from time to time.
Her acts were selfless and seldom known to others because she never made a show of it. But the genuine love and adulation she has earned from her various beneficiaries is testimony to the impact she has had on their lives.
~~~~
There were many things I learned from my mother often unwittingly, and looking back, I think the ones I wrote earlier were the things that probably distinguished her the most. My mother still may not have been perfect and might have had her own small flaws, but her minor vices were far outnumbered by her virtues.
I know for certain that I would have probably been much less of a human being had it not been for the unspoken lessons from my mom.
The values, belief-systems and even behaviour of a person, to a huge extent are dictated by the values, belief-systems and behaviour of his/her parents. You are often what you are because of what you observed and learned while growing up.
I am often saddened when I see signs of religious bigotry, racism and general apathy in people I come across every day and feel further saddened when I realise that these values were passed down to these people from their parents. The worst part is when these distorted values get passed on to their next generation too.
To sum up this post, none of us have the luxury to choose our parents and it was only the lottery of life that gave me a good mother.
Nevertheless, we all have a choice – we have a choice to set the right example with our lives for our children, and the ones who look up to us. And we shouldn’t refrain from making that choice.
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